Bananas & Balls

Normally a set of balls in my mouth is a good thing… But this time, No meant No!

Welcome to Testicle Festival!

The time of year when we turn the castration of male calves into a party!

20 years ago, Buzzards Restaurant & Bar in downtown Calgary, had one beer too many and dreamt up the idea of celebrating the ranching heritage of Southern Alberta by seeing how many different ways they could cook up the “prairie oysters” or discarded testicles.

And over those years the restaurant has come up with dozens of ways to cook them.

This week, as a part of the month and a half long festival, I was invited into Buzzards to sample any or all of the 300+ beers the restaurant houses from all over the world in hopes to get me tipsy enough to face rape me with a sack full of ‘nuts’!

First things first, I dislike beer… or so I thought.

But with the enormous selection, the girls knew they would find one I would be willing to spend the night with.

And my wing-women came up aces!

A Banana Beer from Belgium, which tasted nothing like beer and everything like those 5 cent candy bananas, was by far the most delicious ‘beer’ I have ever tasted!

But was I drunk enough to toss some of the ‘Mixed Nuts’, sautéed with gently crushed walnuts in a rum-butter sauce down my throat?

Absolutely not!

So then Buzzards got sneaky and tried to fool me by deep-frying the little nuggets.

Too late, I was wise to their game and waved them on by!

Ohhhh but they weren’t done with me yet…

Out paraded ‘Great Balls of Fire’; a hot and spicy combination of bison and you-know-what.

These folks were relentless, so to put them off the FAB hunt, I took one.

Now let’s make it clear, I certainly wasn’t about to ‘go deep’ on this big balled bastard, and I needed to dispose of the evidence.

Suddenly, across the room, I found my exit strategy.

Feed it to an unsuspecting patron.

And that’s just what I did!

Sometimes a guy’s got to do what a guy’s got to do!

Now who has the walk of shame breath ?

It was an interesting night, but for now I’ll stick to the Banana and leave the balls behind.

Mr. Fab sticle