Living Statues

As shopping malls transform themselves into winter wonderlands this season, you can always look forward to the regular holiday fare. Santa’s village with tiny half corked elves will be a-buzz until the big moment when a most definitely tipsy Santa arrives.

No I have never been a ‘Santa’, although getting drunk and making false promises to children is in my repertoire. But last Christmas I was made an offer I couldn’t refuse; A living statue!

Four hour shifts standing without movement behind velvet ropes, 3 feet in the air… My resume was looking sparse… How could I say no?

What I didn’t expect was how hard it would be, I can barely keep quiet when others are talking, how was I to last 4 hours alone in my thoughts? What I learnt was I didn’t actually need to talk, most of my time was spent listening to others heckle me.

My favorite comment was from a 45-year-old women. Here’s how it went…

Nobody was around when this women approaches my podium, she gives me the once over and then bends at the waist looking closely at the mid seam in my costume. She then brings her eyes to mine and says…

“Hey Snowman, one of your buttons is undone and I can see up your top…Ya you’re one of them slutty snowmen arn’t yah! Letting people look up your top… a real slutty snowman!”

Trust me, over the 15 days I heard and saw it all…

I had a parent-less 6-year-old come under the ropes and tell me if I didn’t dance for him he was going to kill me. And an Asian women slapped me accross the face when I was being ‘carted’ into position.

For the most part it made people furious that I didn’t move and I got so good at it that I could go a solid hour without blinking.

Overall I enjoyed the experience, I love the mall during the holidays and I would do it again in a heartbeat, heckling and all.

Mr Fab miser